Embracing Change, Letting Go, and what happens in between

It’s been a minute since I last wrote something. August was chaotic, but fun. Just when I got the hang of brat summer, it was already ending. Now, September is here: very mindful, very demure, and one of my favourite months. Since childhood, I have always looked forward to September. To this day, for me, it is more significant than the New Year.

September marks the start of a new school year, reminds us about the new beginnings and prepares us for the winter ahead. It’s a time to slow down, get cozy, enjoy pumpkin spice, cinnamon, scarves, cardigans, and endless movie marathons. As the leaves fall, daylight shortens, and the rain sets in, we try to make our homes comfortable, and settle in for yet another change.

People like to say – “Change is a good thing!” CBut no one talks about how long it takes to get used to it, especially when change is coming from within. I’ve always been okay with change – so long as I could control or predict it. For the longest time, I failed to recognise that sometimes, all the planning in the world is not helpful, or even necessary. I used to roll my eyes at phrases like “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” or the whole Ferris Bueller-isms of stopping once in a while to smell the roses.

Eleven years ago, I had what I thought was a perfect plan for my life. At that point, I was in the university, racking up the years of studying and trying to get the best grades possible. Running in a circle, trying to stay ahead. So, naturally, the plan was to go to more school, complete master’s studies, pursue a PhD, and be set for life. For some reason, I was really sold on that bulletproof success formula. But it didn’t go as planned.

I did not get into my “dream graduate program”, and instead, I started working. In those first years of my post-university jobs, I was devastated in the way all 20-year-olds are when they face their first big disappointment. Everything felt dramatic and world-ending, even though it wasn’t.

Seven years ago, I made a new plan. I moved to another country, took an entry-level job, and set out with the ambition to conquer it all. (So cringe, right?) But somewhere along the way, I lost control. Just when I thought I had things figured out, the pandemic hit, and suddenly everything shifted. Priorities changed overnight for everyone. We began to recognise the true importance of both mental and physical health. The old mindset of working while sick wasn’t about being a hero or a team player anymore; it was a risk to our well-being and only delaying rest and recovery.

Finally, last year, I decided to take a career break, but things didn’t go quite as expected. It turned out to be better than I could have ever planned, even during the lowest moments. So, the time was right to examine my own dream closet and begin the uncomfortable unpacking of what is beneath all those pursuits. It turns out that my drive was less about noble ambition and more about collecting achievements like Pokémon -something I’m now learning doesn’t define who I am.

So, for quite some time now, I’ve been coming to terms with new idea what it means to change and let go. It’s not about moving in the opposite direction but about coming full circle – 360, when I look in the mirror, do I like what I see? I am still the same person, but now I try to hold myself to a much less rigorous standard.

Maybe I don’t have to be the best at everything I do. Maybe if I make a mistake, or someone else does – it will not haunt me for the rest of my life. I’m learning to accept mistakes from myself and others. Trying to not take everything so personally. I’m discovering that ambition doesn’t have to consume my time and energy; instead, it can guide me to new places when approached smartly and creatively.

It’s okay to change your mind and let go of things you once held dear. It’s normal to feel disoriented in that strange, uncomfortable space of not knowing who you are but being open to learning. Still, letting go of old and accepting new versions of ourselves is not without its challenges. We must remind ourselves that we’re not betraying anyone by evolving. In fact, failing to allow growth, in ourselves or in others only limits our future and our potential happiness.

When I look at the people around me, I feel a sense of hope. For all of them, change and letting go also does not come easy. Whether it’s releasing mom guilt, settling into a new apartment that may not be perfect but still makes a good home, starting a new job, or simply hoping for a change of scenery while getting through each day -inside all of us, there are those little doubts. Are we going to make it? Is this it? How long until everything changes again? How long until I have to make the ultimate decision about what to do with my life?

They are living proof that there’s no single “right” path in life. I am exactly where I’m meant to be, and I am seeing how much luck, love, and privilege that is. It feels like the right people in our lives are the right and ultimate destination. Having all big and small moments, being there for others and having them be there for me, to celebrate or cry, mean more than any degree or title ever could. And that’s the biggest change compared to where I was 11 years ago.

As I write all of this, I’m grappling with the person I’ve become. I still hold on to some old beliefs, and I occasionally cringe at them, but I’m also making room for new ones. The process of outgrowing our old selves is tough and, honestly, it f***ing sucks. I wish there were a quick fix to stop the worrying, but maybe that’s something to write about next time. I’m grateful those past plans didn’t work out. I still have ambition, but now I leave room for new things and chase what excites me. Though I don’t know where this new journey will lead, I’m learning to embrace it.

So it goes.