Breaking free from the trap of comparison

Why do we all keep comparing ourselves against impossibly set standards?
The other night, I was meeting my friends for drinks. We are all in our early 30s, working different corporate jobs and at somewhat similar stages in life. In typical millennial fashion, we shared work gossip over drinks, took notes on what vitamins we’re all taking, talked about how our pets are doing, and complained about the ever-rising cost of living.

Despite everything going well, there was this nagging feeling that something was still missing. We got worked up how we hadn’t “settled,” and we hadn’t checked off all the items on some silly list. The curse of comparison is alive and well – not just for millennials, but for everyone.

Instead of focusing on the courage it took to move away from home and start over – to find a job in a new city, learn a new language, and embrace a new culture; we found ourselves fixating on what we hadn’t done. People our age are buying homes, settling down, and checking off those “adulting” boxes. And if it’s not happening for you yet, it’s easy to feel like you’re being left behind.

Naturally, I couldn’t help but wonder – where am I in life? What am I even doing? Are these corporate jobs an actual career? Am I where I’m supposed to be, or am I just drifting, ticking off boxes on a never-ending checklist? It’s (not) a fun spiral. Looking back at moments in my twenties, I remember the pressure to land the perfect job, the urge to post my best moments on social media, and the anxiety of scrolling through, always wondering how am I not doing more with my life. It was all feeding into the same endless comparison loop.

Let’s revisit social media memory lane, because it’s a big part of this story.

Instagram was created in 2010. By June 2018, it hit a billion users. In the midst of the COVID pandemic, September 2021 brought the same milestone to TikTok. For over a decade, these platforms were expanding, becoming an inevitable part of our lives. Long gone were the original Retrica logo, Valencia-filters and black frames, the “keep calm and carry on” side of the social media. We all started uploading our best moments on Instagram, making our lives a display for others – constantly sharing, scrolling, and silently measuring ourselves against others.

As the world went into global lockdown, productivity hacks, banana bread recipes, and sourdough starters took over our feeds. Our lives drastically changed during that time and this turned into a new trend: relatability. And everyone caught on pretty quickly. Brands figured out how to market it and sell it to us, trying to pass as relatable and vulnerable. What was supposed to be the new era of social media became yet another competition – suddenly, we were comparing how relatable we were to each other, our celebrities, or our favourite influencers. But what happens when you stop feeling relatable and start feeling out of place?

I’ve entered a new decade, leaving my 20s behind and stepping into my 30s – a time that was supposed to be about ‘getting it all,’ figuring things out, and living better. And even though, objectively, I’m doing better, I can’t help but feel like something is still missing. I’ve worked hard, but instead of celebrating how far I’ve come, I sometimes forget to do that and get stuck in my head, thinking about how I should be doing more. For years, like any millennial – my money, time and effort went to chasing dreams, paying rent, avocado toasts and oat flat whites.

But even if I gave up all the avocado toasts of this world, would it really get me further in life? Some will make you believe it’s a lack of will or merit to work hard. But even with all the sacrifices, when we achieve some level of success, we can’t help but compare it. And while this can be good motivation, I recognise that when it comes to comparison, it’s not making me feel better or helping me achieve anything.

Every Instagram life coach would tell me now to stop, breathe, and feel grateful for what I already have. And while there is a lot of truth in gratitude, sometimes that simple act doesn’t do the trick. I moved away from home, I still rent an apartment (very happily, I might add), and I’m keeping my plants alive – though I’m on track to kill yet another orchid. At this point of my life, I feel I should accept I am not vibing with orchids. On a random note, I feel like everyone should just drop orchids from their plant portfolio.

There is no one-size fit all when it comes to living our lives. In this day and age, with wars and conflicts, food shortages, climate change disasters, and a mental health crisis – sometimes “making it” just means surviving. Not giving in to the despair of our daily lives. Going for a walk. Meeting your friends and sharing some laughs over silly things in life. Picking up an old hobby that makes you feel calm. Buying a new orchid from Lidl and trying again.And if the orchid dies? Try again with another plant.

Today, my Gen-Z dance teacher said something really profound. She’s working a job, pursuing a passion, and doesn’t have a university degree. She didn’t want one just for the sake of having it; she wants to go to university to study something that will truly impact her life. It wasn’t easy dealing with judgment from others, but then she remembered how brave she was to choose this unique path – one that’s her own, and she’ll figure it out as she goes. Maybe GenZ really has it figured out better than us millennials. But more on that in another post.

I learned that a key to dealing with comparison is simple: don’t make life harder than it already is. Maybe the mantra for this new decade — the one that feels like the new 20s — is to take a step back and just chill sometimes. No one is measuring my worth or comparing me to some impossible standard. It’s just ourselves getting too into our head, and we can get out of that bad place too. If someone is making you feel bad on purpose, remember: you have the power to walk away. It’s okay to say no. Let’s choose peace over pressure and make space for the things that truly bring us joy.

It’s time to make better choices, find joy in the small things, and maybe even scroll a little less. Life’s too short to get caught up in the comparison game. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.