Redefining failure and anxiety of being behind

Why are we all afraid of failure? And what are we exactly afraid of?

Judgment from our parents? From our family, friends, and colleagues? From a Judgy Judy neighbour, creeping at us from the window, but not knowing how to handle their own shit? From society? From ourselves? Or basically all of the above and more.

We’ve all felt it—the paralyzing grip of the fear of failure. It’s a primal instinct, rooted deep within our psyche, driving us to seek safety and security in the familiar lines of our comfort zones. But what happens when that fear becomes a barrier, imprisoning us in a cycle of self-doubt and hesitation?

For far too long, I allowed this fear to dictate the course of my life, keeping me tied to a path paved with expectations and obligations. I measured my worth by someone else’s criteria of success, clinging desperately to the illusion of control it provided.

Everyone always tells you failure is a good thing; it is an inevitable part of the process. Although true, to me this sentence always gave the same energy as someone who says they play board games for the fun of it and say things like – the important thing is not to win, but to participate. *cue the eye-roll*

Despite the universality of failure, we each learn to cope with it in our own way. We try to prepare and embrace change, seeking guidance from books, friends, therapy, and by creating safety nets. Yet, we often overlook the fact that preparation alone may not be enough. Sometimes, the only way forward is to step into the unknown and go through some things unprepared. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

I used to fear falling behind, worried about being perceived as a failure. I remember my old job, when my corporate ladder climb was suddenly stopped, as I didn’t get the promotion I wanted. The disappointment hit me hard, but not for the right reasons. In my mind, I couldn’t bear to face anyone—I felt like everyone would see me as the person who didn’t make the cut.

However, as time went on, the disappointment lost its significance. What mattered was moving forward and figuring out what to do next. In the end, it turns out that the rejection was a blessing in disguise. It made me realize that I didn’t want to continue working there. Instead, I craved adventure and a change of scenery.

As I started a career break, running out of my savings or falling ill was something I occasionally worry about – but the biggest fear was that I would somehow fall behind. I am not even sure exactly what behind meant, just felt I would lose in the endless race of milestones.  

What has changed the most throughout this time is my perception of what it means to fail. By all external measures, I might be failing right now – no job, no downpayment on the apartment, no side hustle, just indulging in a seemingly trivial writing hobby and allowing myself plenty of rest. But these are someone else’s standards – and that’s fine for them. However, by my own standards, I am learning to let go of the corporate mindset of chasing KPIs or ticking off boxes.

Channeling the style of one of television’s legendary anti-heroines, are we truly pursuing these milestones from the depths of our hearts, or are they merely someone else’s expectations? I’ll leave you to answer this one – to each their own.

I am officially unlearning the fear of failure, which is a new and sometimes stressful experience. Everyone tells you change is good, but no one tells you how much road not taken by is stressful. However, it does’t stop me from moving forward. I am not going to stop having ideas; I am not going to stop being the same resilient and resourceful individual who gets excited and wants to grow, change and learn new things.

Start over and make something out of it; this time according to my own measurements. The anxiety around failing is in every one of us. But what if occasionally, just like Carmie (yes chef!) did, we remind ourselves to breathe sometimes? It might all be ok in the end.

So why are we all afraid to fail? Perhaps it’s because failure represents the unknown, the uncertain, the uncomfortable. But perhaps, just perhaps, it’s also because failure represents the possibility of growth, of learning, of becoming the best versions of ourselves. And in that possibility lies the true beauty of embracing our fears and daring to fail.

I have to remind myself to breathe sometimes. Remind myself that the sky is not falling. Sometimes, it really is all about being able to take a pause, take a breath, just participate, have fun and not care about winning. Not having to prove any point; even to ourselves.