My Year of Restlessness and Relaxation

Restlessness is, in my humble opinion, one of the most beautiful words in the English language. My whole life has been defined by the inability to stay calm, to stay still – not out of nervousness, but from the curiosity about what comes next. Where will the journey take me? Always on the lookout, constantly wondering if the grass is indeed greener on the other side.

This restlessness led me on countless adventures, throwing me into the best and worst situations, often without a second thought. It pushed me to step out of my comfort zone, never allowing me to feel too settled. And when the urge to shake things up became too strong to ignore, I’d find myself at a crossroads, very much in the Britney Spears style: not-a-girl, not-yet-a-woman. Who knew that even in your thirties, you could still feel this way? Ultimately, this restlessness made me take a leap of faith, leading to my year-long career break.

What began as a carefully crafted six-month plan, unexpectedly evolved into a year of twists and turns. It was a year of rest and relaxation, Danka’s version. Unlike Ottessa Moshfegh’s protagonist, navigating the year 2000 through a haze of sleeping pills and painkillers, my journey took a slightly different turn.

As any good overthinker and to-do list maker, I set out a plan to structure several months for rest, reflection, and figuring out what comes next. Little did I know, the immigration office had a different plan in mind, extending my waiting period. This drained my bank account, sent my anxiety through the roof, but taught me that I can’t control everything that happens in my life. With support from my friends, my partner, and my family, I had my village to help me through the uncertainty.

The first few months were a revelation. I rediscovered the joy of waking up without an alarm, having slow, unhurried mornings with a cup of coffee, no rush hour crowds. Running errands while there weren’t many people in grocery stores or food markets. Going about my day, people-watching and wondering how did we all end up in these places at this tame; whether they were also unemployed, and admiring their relaxed posture. Learning to spend time with myself and creating some good self-care habits.

Once the initial glamour of free time faded, I was faced with a serious crisis. I started creating to-do lists, apartment deep-clean projects, really anything to keep myself from going crazy. This experience was far from the picture social media paints (and I participate in it too). You don’t live in mindfulness all the time once you leave your job. There is much more overthinking. One day is full of energy, enthusiasm, hope for the future, and dreaming of a career shift; applying for a new job and enjoying your free time. The next day is filled with existential dread. And as days go by, you learn how to ride on that rollercoaster.

I was enjoying moments of stillness, taking leisurely walks in the park, posting pictures of cute flowers and flat whites on Instagram. On the other hand, I was frantically updating my resume, applying for jobs, enrolling in online classes, debating whether to move to a new country, and grappling with an underlying sense of panic.

Everyone around me tells me how lucky I am to have this free time, and in many ways, they’re right. I recognize the privilege of it. But that didn’t stop the worries from creeping in. Our lives are over-saturated with social media and the allure of endless opportunities. Perfect photos, funny memes and constant bad news that make you question your values, leaving you feeling guilty or hopeless, unable to act. It’s ironic, considering that we, as millennials, are supposed to be the choice generation – with so many options waiting for us just around the corner.

Yet, in the midst of this chaos, I remembered that one scene from Fleabag and thought about how we’re all just desperate for some direction and are afraid to live our lives sometimes. I kept thinking of that line: “I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong… and even though I don’t believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I’m still scared. Why am I still scared?”

A year later, I’ve learned to live with my own restlessness, especially when it doesn’t spark an adventure but instead stirs up doubt. I learned to go along with no plan, with change of plans, with new plans in the making. And even have fun along the way. It became clear that this feeling isn’t unique to me; it’s a shared experience that everyone navigates in their own way. It’s like a secret we all keep – sometimes we’re just faking it until we make it. Realising this made some of those worries go away. Clarity doesn’t come instantly, and you don’t necessarily figure out your purpose or get an amazing business idea just because you’re free from 9-to-5 chains.

But you do remember to relax, breathe, and enjoy life. Have fun and cherish the people who support you. It makes all the difference, easing the doubt and banishing the Sunday scaries.

This break for me wasn’t about chasing thrills, working on a business, or even rediscovering my purpose. It was simply about giving myself the space to be still, without the pressure of achieving something grand. However, I felt anxious every time I was going to see people, which was unusual for me as someone who is very social. I felt like I needed to prove what I was doing. I would find myself over-explaining or almost apologising; especially when I started interviewing for new jobs. As time went on, I moved into a more confident space and felt more secure in my answers.

The taboo of “DOING NOTHING”

The taboo of “doing nothing” is very palpable, and it often invites unwelcome scrutiny. People are naturally curious, questioning what you’re doing when you’re not working. They wonder how you can be ok with officially being non-productive member of society; how you dare to challenge the norms, even if just temporarily. I found myself facing this judgment too, especially from myself.

Why did you quit your job? ‘Cause I am miserable, and nobody even knows! 😀 I also struggled to understand why I would leave a job to do “nothing.” Yet, for me, this period of rest and self-reflection was precisely what I needed. It was a chance to reconnect with myself on a deeper level, beyond the pressures of constant productivity.

What many, including myself, used to see as idleness – it’s simply time off. It’s not that serious, and if we have financial stability, we should all allow ourselves this time to pause. Working will always be an option, but for now, I’m happy I got to enjoy this break and made it fun. I went from being burned out and sleep-deprived to someone with relaxed face muscles, genuinely smiling, and finding peace with how things turn out. And I plan to keep it this way. 🙂

It has now been several weeks since I started my new job. I feel a mix of anxiety and excitement. Even though imposter syndrome occasionally creeps in, I’m focused on making the most of this opportunity. am ready for this new chapter. With the confidence gained from my year of rest, the force is strong with this one.

I hope my journey encourages you to recognize the value of taking time for yourself—to reflect and recharge, no matter where you are in your career or life.

Stay rested, stay restless.